Tons of time has passed since I’ve posted anything on Tumblr. I think a part of me has been quite disconnected from the blogging community and haven’t had a ton of time to sit down and reflect on my thoughts and feelings.
I hate to admit that as awesome as life has treated me the past couple of months, it has also been an emotional transition time for me. As the title reads, it has been my Season of Loss and Being Lost. I don’t even know where to begin … as I write, I can feel myself just sinking emotionally. I think the efforts of keeping it together and being strong has definitely worn thin and I’m crumbling. I’m falling apart. I’m a mess. Including tonight, it’s probably been my 4th or 5th just overwhelming collapse of the dam I built to hold in my emotions and hold a strong front.
I’ll start with my biggest loss of this season - my small group. This past year has been a huge roller coaster for my small group. When we began our small group and at the highest of our highs, I would’ve never thought it would end up this way. It seems that life has happened and has put all of us on different paths that are hardly crossing or even touching. I don’t know where we went wrong, where we gave up, where we lost sight of what our mission was as a group. We tried different studies; we tried making a pact; we tried, yet we still found ourselves at the end of our road. I think not having group around has taken a toll on me spiritually. I joined our core group literally weeks after I decided to dedicate my life to Christ. My whole entire walk with Christ and growing in my faith was with my group. Each and every girl that was in (and out) of the group played a tremendous role in who I am today as a Christian. Not having them around has been so hard to deal with. I think that is why I’ve been feeling so spiritually dead. I haven’t felt very passionate about my relationship with God; I haven’t gone to church in so long; I just haven’t felt myself. I understand the weight that community carries in being a Christian. Everyone also says that you can’t do it alone and everyone’s right. I hope that all of these friendships will find their way back to each other … somehow, someway.
More losses. It seems that all of my friends are all growing up. Many of us have graduated from college and are now following our dreams, no matter how far away. My cousin moved to Korea for a year to teach. One of my best friends from college moved to LA to pursue nursing school. One of my boyfriend’s best friends is also moving to Korea to teach English. One of my best friends just passed her admissions test and will be moving to Anaheim for nursing school this upcoming summer. And today another one of my friends found out she got into Pharmacy school in Loma Linda. I am so happy for all of my friends and their accomplishments and for their futures. I know that they will be great in all they do. I’m just going to miss everyone so much. Even though the distance doesn’t seem so far, I know that friendships can change but I hope that we all will remain in contact. I’ve never been good at maintaining friendships if other people are not willing to make time for me to. It’s probably why I don’t have many friends from high school or college. I’ve been so jaded in the past that maintaining friendships for me is a big emotional investment and the feeling of being forgotten or rejection has hit hard in the past and has made me reluctant to keep people close.
While everyone is moving on to bigger and better things in life - I find myself stuck. You always think that you went to college and got a good education so that you could get a good job and a good career. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had my job & yes it has been a great platform of learning & a great way to gain experience, but I didn’t really go through 4 years of college so I can wipe noses, change diapers, and sing “Old MacDonald” a million times a day. I love my kiddies, I do. And my job is okay for now, but I know that I want better for myself. I know that I don’t want to be stuck where I am. Sometimes when I leave work, I just cry because I’m so unhappy. I love most of my coworkers (haha!) but seeing how the system works, some people at work are the epitome of what I do not want to become. I lost that glimmer of joy in my eyes. I’ve lost that love I have when I first started. I lost respect for a lot of people. I’ve gained friendships that have meant a lot to me & I hope that when I someday leave, I’ll be able to keep them. My co-worker told me that my time will come. I will figure everything out & that it might not come to me now, but I’ll have my time. I just don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I love to do. I’m scared that I’ll have to go back to school for a different degree than what I have now and that I’ll have to start from scratch …. meaning more $$$. Sigh. Life isn’t ever what you think its going to be.
I’ve never felt so lost in my life. I don’t know where I’m going in life. I feel like I’m aimlessly walking through life with no hope in sight. I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time. All my efforts to find a direction for my future has been fruitless. I haven’t found the right career for me. I haven’t found the right degree program for me. There tons out there, but what direction do I go in?
I’m holding it together the best I can. I’m being as strong as I can even though I’m exposed at the seams. I can only hope and pray that all the answers will come to me & that I will make a way to make it through life. I’m willing to work hard, I just don’t know where I’m putting my efforts towards. I’ve heard that when life pushes you, you need to push back. How do I push back? Although it seems like all is lost, I have hope that life will turn around… somehow, someway .. joy will find its way back into my life. I’ll be happy again & all will be as it should be.
